There is a particular tenderness that belongs to the early years of motherhood. There are babies who need to be held, little children who require help with their shoes, toddlers with big feelings, laundry that seems to multiply overnight, meals and snacks to make, naps and feedings to navigate, and mothers who are trying to do the very important work of loving and caring for the small people who have been entrusted to them.
And yet, for all the talk about family and children, motherhood can sometimes be misunderstood.
A mother may be both tired and joyful, yes. But she may also be surrounded by opinions. She may hear plenty of advice and very little encouragement. People may have strong thoughts about how she feeds her baby, how much she holds her baby, how quickly they think she should return to work, how she gets her children to sleep, how her children behave, how clean her house is, and somehow, quite miraculously, what they believe she should be doing with every hour of her day.
That is a lot.
So perhaps it is time for some of us to think about a different question.
How can we be a little less critical, and for those with the heart for it, a little more encouraging, to the mothers around us during this important season of life?
The answer does not have to be grand or expensive. Often, the smallest kindnesses are the ones a mother remembers.
Start by Believing That She Is Doing Something Important
A mother with a new baby does not need every conversation to become an evaluation of her performance.
Sometimes one of the best things we can do is simply communicate: ‘I see that you are working hard. I see that you love your child. I believe you are trying to make good decisions.’
We do not have to agree with every choice a mother makes in order to treat her with dignity.
A mother who wants to breastfeed may benefit more from encouragement rather than pressure to quit. A mother who is staying home with her children may not be encouraged by a lecture about needing to ‘find herself outside of motherhood’. A mother who is holding her baby does not necessarily need to hear that she is ‘spoiling him’. A mother who is trying to get her little one to sleep does not necessarily need another person to tell her there is one magical sleep training method that will solve everything.
Sometimes the most supportive thing we can say is simply:
“You know your baby.”
“You know your family.”
“I can see how much you love your children.”
Those are not dramatic words. But in a world full of loud and extreme opinions, they can feel like a deep breath.
Hold the Baby While She Eats
This may be one of the most practical gifts of all.
Hold the baby for a few minutes while Mom eats a meal with both hands. Offer to walk the baby around the room. Sit with the little one while she takes a shower.
There is no need to arrive with an elaborate plan.
You can simply say, “Would you like me to hold the baby for a little while so you can eat?”
Of course, some mothers may not want to hand over their babies, and that is all right, too. Helping does not mean taking over. It means offering.
And sometimes that offer alone communicates something important: You do not have to do absolutely everything by yourself.
Critiquing the House
If you have ever been welcomed into the home of someone with a baby or several small children, you already know the truth:
It may be loud.
There may be laundry.
There may be toys.
There may be dishes.
There may be a child wearing a superhero cape and only one sock.
This is not a time to inspect the housekeeping. A mother with a baby does not need a visitor who surveys the house and leaves her feeling as though she has failed an invisible, unwritten test. She needs people who understand that homes with families and young children are meant to be lived in.
The goal should not be to embarrass and shame mothers of young children. The goal should be to encourage or at least to do no harm.
There is a difference.
Spend Time with the Older Children
A new baby changes the rhythm of the whole family. Sometimes the older children need a little extra attention, too.
A grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend, or trusted family member might take the preschooler to the park. Read books with the older sibling. Bring over a simple craft. Take the children for a walk. Let them help bake cookies.
A small adventure can mean the world to a little child who is adjusting to having a new baby in the family. And it can give Mom a little breathing room without making her feel as though she has to send everyone away.
One afternoon of playing in the backyard with a beloved relative can be a wonderful gift.
Offer Encouragement
This one costs absolutely nothing. Tell the mother something good. Tell her that her baby is blessed to be so loved. Tell her that you see how patient she was with her toddler. Tell her that the early years are demanding because the work matters, not because she is doing it wrong. Tell her that she does not have to accomplish a hundred things today.
Tell her that it is normal if her whole day consisted of feedings, comforting, changing, making meals and snacks, carrying, rocking, reading stories, singing nursery rhymes and engaging in hand rhymes, and starting the same load of laundry twice, and that it did not involve training for marathons.
It was still a great day. It was important work. And it was absolutely a day full of love and care!
Sometimes mothers are carrying more responsibility than anyone realizes while hearing almost nothing except advice about what they are doing wrong and should be doing differently.
Let us not underestimate the power of a few sincere words.
“You are doing a good job.”
“Your children are so loved.”
“I know this season is demanding, but I see how much you give them.”
These words may stay with someone longer than we know.
On Giving Advice
Advice is not always bad. Sometimes a mother asks for it. Sometimes she wants to hear what helped someone else. But there is a difference between being asked for advice and using a mother’s ordinary conversation as an opportunity to correct her.
If she thinks her baby wants to be held, you do not have to tell her she is ‘creating a bad habit’.
If she says breastfeeding has been difficult, you do not have to immediately tell her to stop unless she is actually asking for your thoughts. Perhaps she needs encouragement to continue, practical help finding lactation support, or simply someone to say, “That sounds challenging.”
If she says she is tired sometimes, you do not have to assume the answer is to tell her she needs to change her life or get more organized.
Bonding
The early relationship between a mother and baby is precious. A mother should not be made to feel foolish for wanting to hold her baby, comfort her baby, spend time with her baby, or respond when her baby cries. There is something unsettling about telling a mother that the deepest instincts of her heart are automatically wrong.
Mothers can certainly benefit from wise support, practical help, and good information. But support should not mean constantly trying to pull a mother away from her baby or convincing her that her desire to be present is somehow a problem.
If a mother loves being with her children, that is a good thing. If she wants more time with her baby, that is a good thing. If she wants to protect and nurture her little family during these very early years, that deserves respect.
There will be plenty of years for many other things later. A baby is only a baby for such a little while.
Mothers of Toddlers and Preschoolers
We often think of mothers with a brand-new baby, but mothers of toddlers and preschoolers need encouragement, too. A mother with three children under five may not look like she is in the “new baby” stage anymore, but she is still doing incredibly hands-on work.
Someone is always hungry. Someone has misplaced a shoe. Someone is crying because the sandwich was cut into squares. Someone needs help in the bathroom. Someone has fallen asleep in the car at exactly the wrong time.
This season can be funny, beautiful, exhausting, and wonderfully messy. Even a little bit of compassion goes a long way. Instead of watching a mother struggle with a toddler and offering harsh words and critical glares, and instead of saying, “Well, I would never let my child do that,” perhaps we could remember that every child is a human being and motherhood is not a competition. The mother knows that her child is having a hard moment. Her child could be under the weather, and she needed to pick up ingredients for dinner, just before nap time, after an appointment with the pediatrician.
What she may not know is that there are others who see her with kindness.
Motherhood Isn’t Something to Escape
This may be one of the most important things we can remember. Not every mother is dreaming of returning immediately to the same exact life she had before children. Not every mother with young children is looking for updated fitness goals, a dramatic reinvention, or a way to make motherhood take up less space in her life. And that is all right. Mothers are allowed to be whole human beings who enjoy many things.
They can have hobbies.
They can create.
They can learn.
They can rest sometimes.
They can have dreams.
But they do not have to be constantly reminded that the world thinks they should be doing something ‘more important’ than caring for their baby in this season of life. If a mother is tired but still wants to be with her children, we do not have to interpret her exhaustion as proof that she has chosen the ‘wrong life’.
Caring for young children can be exhausting and still be deeply wanted and fulfilling, as are most worthy goals and callings. Two things can be true at once.
Listening
Perhaps one of the kindest things our culture could do for mothers is simply listen to them.
Listen if they say they need help. Listen when they tell you what is working for their family. Listen when they say they love being a mother. Listen when they say they are tired. Listen when they say they want to breastfeed. Listen when they say they want to spend time with their baby.
Mothers do not need to be spoken about constantly as though they are a problem to solve. They are people. They are adults too. They know their children. And their voices matter.
Mothers Are People, Not a Debate Topic
Perhaps this is the heart of it all. Behind every conversation about sleep training, working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, schedules, screens, discipline, and everything else, there is an actual human being.
She is probably doing her best. She may be carrying a child who has been awake since 4:30 in the morning. She may be trying to make dinner while entertaining a baby. She may be missing some sleep. She may feel think motherhood is the most beautiful thing she has ever done. She may also feel tired occasionally. Most likely, she thinks several of these things at once.
But she does not need to become a symbol for someone else’s opinion about parenting. Mothers and children need to be treated like human beings, not like a debate.
A Few Words We Can Offer
Perhaps these are the kinds of things we should say more often to mothers of babies and young children:
“I can see how much you care about your children.”
“You do not have to have everything figured out today.”
“You are allowed to enjoy your baby.”
“You are doing a good job.”
“Your home does not have to be perfect for your children to be loved.”
“You do not need to apologize for being tired.”
“I am not here to judge you.”
And perhaps, if we do not know what to say, we can simply choose to say nothing and to not criticize. That alone is a gift to moms!
The People Who Encourage
We cannot change every negative cultural message about motherhood and children overnight. But we can change the way we treat the mothers we know.
We can hold the baby while she eats. We can listen. We can stop offering unhelpful, unnecessary criticism. We can choose not to shame.
We can give a genuine compliment. We can respect the bond between a mother and her child.
A more family-friendly culture might begin not with a lecture, a debate, or an argument. But with one person noticing another person and saying:
“I know you are working hard. Your children are precious. And I am glad you are their mother.”
Motherhood does not need more strangers keeping score. It needs more people with hearts. And for the mothers who may read this and wonder whether anyone sees what they are doing, this is for you, too:
The meals, the rocking, the carrying, the comforting, the reading, the listening, the endless answering of questions, the nighttime wake-ups, the tiny socks, the scraped knees, the hugs, the prayers, the songs, and the ordinary moments of loving your children, these things matter deeply.
Mothers do not need to become someone else in order to deserve dignity. Mothers and children can be shown some encouragement and a little kindness today. And if there is a mother around you who is raising a baby or several little children, perhaps today is a beautiful day to remind her:
“You are doing a great job!”